QUOTE THE JACKASS, NEVERMORE -- Volume II

Volume I chronicled some of the most heinous quotes made to or about me while I slaved away in the music business. Seems I touched a nerve, tapped a vein, possibly even reopened barely healed wounds.

Oh, how I wish there was nothing left to say on this topic (because there would be fewer entertainment industry professionals wandering around with long-term, untreated PTSD) but there are just layers and layers to peel back. And not so much like an onion or phyllo dough pastry or a lovingly crafted lasagna... have you ever been rafting along the Colorado River through the bottom of the Grand Canyon? We're talking geological stratas of bullshit, the depths of which we'll never get through.

Feedback on Volume I wasn't much of a mixed bag. People who haven't walked a mile in my shoes, (there but for the grace of God) but for a brief moment thought they might, expressed relief they'd dodged the career bullet and steered clear of employment in the music/entertainment realm. How 'bout those 'glamour industries' now, eh?

But the friends/colleagues who have walked a shared career path and lived through the same horrific experiences (and/or witnessed the ones listed in Volume I) shook their heads in agreement and said, "yep... you pretty much nailed that one," relieved I documented the secret war in which we all did tours of duty. Strength in numbers, healing power in a community, sanity is knowing you didn't experience this fucked-up landscape all alone. Thus, I was encouraged, even supplied with plenty of quotes and experiences, to offer Volume II. Now I ask you, how could I say no?

So, what follows is a mixed bag of quotes (some said to me, some to others ) as well as some random helpful tidbits and suggestions. A little common sense could go a long way in the music industry (then again, a lot of people have done really, really well for themselves exhibiting next to none.)

So, well... I'm not sure "enjoy" is the correct word... so, absorb.
Most importantly, as you read these, never forget for a moment that these are all real.


"You can't jew me down because I am the biggest fucking jew you will find, you kike-loving fucker."


"I banged his daughter on his bed on top of his jacket and then watched him wear that jacket out
to dinner that night."


"Fucking Austrians. They're just fucking Germans with better skis."


"What the fuck do I pay you for? Are you all idiots? You have your new fucking computers and your calculators and still you can't fucking do the math? I can do it in my head without even a pencil & paper. We're about to lose a client and it's the fault of someone in this room. But I'll let you all decide. Should we FedEx all the paperwork tonite as promised knowing the numbers are all fucked up? Or do we wait a day, try to fix your sloppy work & lose the client because we missed the deadline? You fucking decide. I have a dinner to go to." (Note: the numbers were correct)


"You wanna know how I know she isn't happy in her marriage? I fucked her behind my office door one night while her husband was waiting for her in the lobby."


"Fucking Scots are cheap bastards. 'Course, not as cheap as the Jews or the Danes. So who wants pizza?"


"I don't have my reading glasses on me. Why don't you go ahead and order us up some appetizers everyone can share."
"OK. Um, we'll take two orders of chicken tenders... two orders of calamari... two plates of nachos... and, I guess, two plates of potato pancakes."
"Naw, Naw, Naw! I don't want you ordering up none of that Jew food. Get us some of them mozzarella thingies."


"Oh, man... how come all the good lookin' women are sitting at that table?"
(Asked of women at adjacent table while female colleague/employee was sitting at same table with speaker. Really.)



Just A Thought: Say your former assistant quit working for you because you and your partner were over-the-top abusive and vile (you really shouldn't claim she was only dressed up 'cause her boyfriend was going to eat her out that night.) When you encounter same woman at her new job, you shouldn't say she looks familiar then claim you never forget a great pair of tits. It might get you banned from her new employers' offices.

Just A Thought: Maybe one shouldn't invoice the costs of an artist's funeral as a demo payment only to have the monies deducted from royalty checks. Just sayin'.

Just A Thought: the gold and platinum albums framed and hanging on your office walls would mean so much more if the artists had actually presented them to you as gifts (as opposed to buying your own plaques directly from the manufacturer after artist grants permission.)

Just A Thought: If you call in sick to work after a late night partying with the band, and one of the musicians in said band fails to turn up at the airport to make his flight, when your colleagues call you to ask if you might know how to find him, maybe you shouldn't roll over in your "sickbed" and hand said musician the phone?

Just A Thought: Maybe you shouldn't make your assistant run around an iconic New York City venue on opening night of a pop culture phenomenon while clutching a manila envelope full of cash - you couldn't arrange a better way to pay the prostitute providing the artist's contractually mandated pre-show blowjobs?

Just A Thought: If you lied your way into a job, kept it because staff thought you were hot, then Forrest Gumped your way into an undeserved window office and promotion despite your incompetence and lack of seniority, maybe you should invest in a map and a clue. No, dipshit, you can't rent an apartment in Buffalo and commute to work in Manhattan.

Just A Thought: If you make over $300,000 per year for doing next to nothing then perhaps you might put some of that income towards paying down your almost $1 million cocaine debt?

Just A Thought: Funerals allow friends and family of the deceased, and those who know the friends and family and/or knew the deceased, to pay their respects. Maybe you shouldn't use them as networking opportunities to drum up business the way baseball scouts attend ballgames. Go ahead - try to fill that whole in your soul with all the free hors d'ouvres you can shove down your gullet.

Just A Thought: Maybe if you know your significant other is banging the head of the company then everyone knows it -- and will still remember even when that significant other becomes your spouse.

Just A Thought: Maybe the secret to successful dieting is to commandeer your own private mini-fridge (complete with combination lock on the door) that only your two assistants can access. The schmucks responsible for atrocious TV shows and movies being made today, started out cutting celery and carrots and decoratively fanning them out onto plates so their boss could shed a few pounds. Maybe said boss wouldn't have been such a loud, nasty wench if she weren't starving all the time?!


Just A Thought: Parading interior decorators and architects past assistants' rickety cubicles while you discuss plans to knock down walls and turn your corner office into one twice its original size probably isn't the best morale booster. ( Same goes for furnishing that office with items whose the combined price-tag equaled more than the combined salaries of two assistants.)

Just A Thought: The condescending, erudite tone you worked so hard to perfect loses its oomph (in the blink of an eye) when the echo of liquid hitting porcelain is audible over the phone. Maybe wait to verbally abuse people 'til you're done pissing?

Just A Thought: Maybe show up at the office before 1:00pm each day? You don't leave 'til after eight but you're not actually staying late to get "work" done -- you don't offer colleagues a ride home because you're driving uptown to meet your drug connection.

Just A Thought: As a guideline, no throwing tantrums, no throwing staplers at anyone's head, no throwing phones at anyone's head... how 'bout you just implement a "No Throwing" policy, mmmkay??

Just A Thought: Grandpa, whipping our dick out in the back seat of a New York City yellow taxi and complaining that it just doesn't work anymore is actually inappropriate. And just a little bit illegal.

Just A Thought: Your assistants already graduated high school and college. How is typing your kids' term papers part of their job?! Betchya they leave for their lunch hour and never return.

Just A Thought: You realize the artist roster isn't actually a "To Do" list, right?


Some caveats lest I hear it from the naysayers:

• Yeah, Yeah -- I know these stories are (I can't believe I'm typing this) TAME -- I'm fully aware I began in the business long after the '70s & '80s heydey of sex, drugs, mud sharks & rock 'n' roll (but before the hip-hop revolution made armed Rent-A-Cops required staff at reception desks on each record company floor.) You have something to add or "out offend" and top these? Send 'em on over for Volume III.
• NO, NO, NO. Nothing listed above can be accredited to anyone remotely famous. (For those who worried, relax. For those who hoped, ain't never gonna happen.)
  
• Yes, there ARE some very strong, competent, brilliant, kick-ass women in the music industry whose career trajectories allowed them to keep their panties on. (On a related note, many of these same women are currently looking for jobs. Let me know if you'd like me to forward you their resume!)
• Yes, there ARE some really decent, honest, good, ethical people (of both sexes) working in the music and concert business today, some of whom I love dearly (shit, even some of the bastards have managed to hold a warm spot in my heart.) It's just a damn shame what they possess in quality isn't matched in quantity. It would be a vastly different industry if better people populated it.
• Yes, I take full ownership for a handful of embarrassingly inappropriate action and statements of my own of which I'm not proud. Mea culpas were offered. Still, doesn't diminish the truth of anything shared in this blogpost or its predecessor.
• No, I was no angel during my music industry years. I was far from perfect but relatively speaking, I was sporting wings & a halo.

Hells yeah, I've got some bitter!
I've earned my bitter.
Mine is a healthy blend of bitter and the funny (now.)

Bitter is the new rock 'n' roll.