"Money has screwed me up my whole life. I've always been rich and never been happy."
"I've always been poor and I've usually been happy."
"Rubbish! I've always been rich and I've always been happy."
[Editor's Note: I did not win. No one I know won. This? This is not a surprise.]
Honestly, this is a hypothetical the Barenaked Ladies never really considered. One million dollars, sure. It's realistic. Manageable. But $550 million? That's a lot of Kraft Mac & Cheese dinners. Several Art Garfunkels. (But yes, I always wanted - and still do want - a monkey. Everyone needs a monkey.**)
A potent strain of PowerBall Fever has taken hold again with Americans rushing to card stores and 7-11s, plunking down cash in hope that they'll have the magic numbers that will win them the $550 million bounty (it was $500 but so many people have been feeding money during the frenzy the winning pot is now $550 million.) The drawing is tonight and everyone is holding out hope that they're holding onto the winning ticket. Statistically, mathematically, logically they're not -- your odds of winning the lotto get smaller and smaller the bigger the pot gets and the more people play. But don't insert reason into the mix... people are busy dreaming of what they'll do with all that money.
They're not thinking about what would actually happen if they actually were holding the winning ticket. Do you know what to do? (I have plan. Some families have emergency escape plans from their house in case of fire... I have an emergency plan in the event I come into an ungodly amount of money.) For starters, if I'm the winner, y'all won't know I'm the winner -- not for weeks. Not even my closest friends will know. Who will know? My accountant. My lawyer. My investment planner. My Mom. And even they'll know long before the Lottery Commission is alerted. Plan, people - you need to have a plan. Only then will I walk into the Lottery Offices and present my winning ticket. Only then will I agree to have myself identified. Only then will I subject myself to that awkward press conference (no one expects a giant check to weigh that much - just sayin') and answer the most dumbassed question of all: "Will this money change your life?" Anyone who answers, "NO," is a complete and total moron. And a liar. Of course it will change your life. Of course. How can it not? Will it change it for the better? For the worse? Well, that you can't know until you live through it... but your life will change. And will it change you?
You hear all these stories about people who win the lottery and their life goes to shit. People come out of the woodwork - long lost relatives, old friends, former lovers - all looking to grab a little of the money pie. But come on... money doesn't change you. It's just a giant magnifying glass. If you were an asshole before and you had untrustworthy friends and shady relatives before, you'll just be a bigger asshole with worse friends and family once you're loaded. If you're a good person surrounded by good people, you'll find a way to hold onto what's important to you regardless of your ATM balance.But, for shits and giggles... let's say I have tonight's winning lottery ticket.
And, let's say I'm the only person with a winning ticket, in any of the 42 states playing, matching all the numbers and the PowerBall. My aforementioned Emergency Holy-Shit-I-Won Plan goes into effect.
But let's face it -- I'm not going home with $550 Million.
For starters, there are taxes.... oh, are there taxes (I was on a game show, MTV's Remote Control, back in 1989. I won a small television, a Surround Sound stereo system, an Omnichord synthesizer, L.A. Gear sneakers, CDs, a pair of binoculars, a 2-person Sunfish sailboat, and five days/nights at Caesar's Lake Tahoe -- and even that it cost me in taxes. Because winning prizes/gifts, you're gonna pay up. In cash.)
So on $550 Million won via lottery? The federal taxes that can take away up to 40% of that number...
And then there are state taxes... could bring the tax up to 50%... depending upon where one lives.
So, already, the $550 million is now down to a paltry $275 Million.
(And I'm SO OK with that... because paying taxes is being patriotic. Got that, Mitt?)
(And any statistics/tax law wonk who wants to argue hardcore numbers -- this is a blog, not a journalistic article or academic paper... so have a cocktail, sit down and STFU.)
So, $275 Million. What do I do with it? Honestly... who needs $275 Million dollars.
Other than, you know, our government. Our schools. Hostess.
Realistically, $275 Million is such a ridiculous sum of money to contemplate.
For starters, would I quit my job? Probably. I mean, I wouldn't need the income. Then again, what I do can't be done by anyone else so even if I took my private LearJet to a private villa on a secluded Caribbean island, I'd still be getting emails asking for information and for me to write something... So, let's just be honest and say I might try to leave the job but the job won't leave me.
I'm only able to write this blog because a form of it has been transferring itself from journal to journal, FiloFax to FiloFax, notebook to notebook over the years. I've kept THE LIST. With the idea of "vision boards" and putting what you want out into the universe, I'd decided that if I wanted the money to come to me I had to let the universe know what my plans were for that money. And I put it in writing. (And now, online.) And trust me, over the years, the list has changed. And I'm a lot tougher than Santa.
A big chunk of that money right away is being handed over to financial planners. Sock most of it away so it accrues the most interest, earns me the most income over the years, and I never have to think about money again. Maybe gamble/invest a little... So let's say I take $200 Million off the top and hand it over to my financial team...the people with the money brains. I now have $75 Million to play with.
And $75 Million is still a crazy-ass amount of money for anyone to have-- especially to have it dumped in your lap, all at once, having done not one thing to earn it other than buying a Slurpee and a quick-pick ticket. People who are born into wealth don't know anything different. You can't fault them for winning the hereditary lotto by having wealthy parents. If they don't appreciate their privileged life or respect the value of hard work, then you can scorn them all you like (and make sure you put the blame where it belongs -- on shitty parents.) People who work hard to earn money, God bless them. Isn't that the American Dream? I'm also a big believer the American Dream is about helping others get there and not forgetting where you came from... it's not the current GOP mentality taken hold in so many (sadly, people I actually know, in real life, not just from TV) who maintain a "fuck you, I got mine, now you get yours sucker..." Weltanschuung. Pay your taxes. Help others. Be charitable. Use your good fortune to make the world a better place. Somehow.
So I have $75 Million. Let's say I take $27.5M right off of that and give it to charity. That's 10% of what my take-home winnings are. Is that too much? Some might think so. Is it not enough? Others might argue that position. To which charities do I give my money? Well, to be honest, that's none of your goddamned business. (Unless, like Chik-Fil-A or the Mormon Church, that money is being set aside to fight against civil rights for fellow citizens.) Suffice to say, the synagogue in which I was raised and to which my mother remains actively involved and devoted will be seeing their ledgers balanced out and facilities renovated/built in memory of my father and in honor of my mother. And there will be quite a large sum of money going to non-profits that help with issues of homelessness and hunger, research for diseases which have affected loved ones, and some money funneled to organizations who rescue/care fore animals. Among others. Beyond that, you don't get the details... because when you give to charity, it's not for glory. Ever.
So now I'm down to $47.5 Million. That's still an absurd amount of money. Maybe not if you're looking at it as the one-day box office take on the next Avengers movie... or the total earnings of a 16-month world concert tour... or a three-year contract with the New York Jets (oh, if only they could sign someone worth that money... if only...) But for the common person -- that is a ridiculous sum to have in your bank account.
So, back to THE LIST. I won't share it all here, publicly. And any details shared will likely be recognized only by those about whom I'm writing... and I won't ID them here. The names/faces will be changed to protect the (not so) innocent and (damn, I'm on the list?) surprised.
So, to begin with... MOM gets anything she damn well pleases. ANYTHING. Then again, MOM is one of the least materialistic people I've ever known. She appreciates nice things but doesn't pine for them or judge others based upon their possession of those nice things. I can't imagine her giving up her home of 40 years where she raised her family. But she's addicted to HGTV. Pretty much all of the programs. So I have no doubt there will be some major renovations taking place. True story: during Hurricane Sandy she admitted she'd have been AOK with the neighbor's massive pine tree coming down thru the roof into her kitchen -- she always wanted granite countertops. So MOM would be busy with a Pimp-My-Home Spree. And god bless her, she's always wanted a Ford Taurus. If that's what she wants, that's what she'll get. Beyond that, I think she'd just like the freedom to travel anywhere she wanted, visiting the friends and family scattered around the country she's always wanted to see, and have new adventures -- she's never been to California and swears she wants to drive down PCH from San Francisco to LA. (I've been in a car with her on the Belt Parkway - trust me, there's no way she's doing THAT drive without me knocking her out with a bottle of Xanax first.) I know she'll never go back to Hawaii -- that was where she and my Dad honeymooned in 1965 and it holds too many memories. And she says she doesn't want to go to Alaska since she'd been planning that trip with my Dad before he died... but somehow I think he'd want her to go see that amazing land. Beyond that? Pay off a credit card? Cover all her expenses for the rest of ever? She isn't into jewelry - mostly the items given to her by my Dad. She isn't into fancy clothing (carte blanche at Chico's, Macy's and JC Penney would blow her mind.) I'd give her the world but she just doesn't care for the bells and whistles that so many people overvalue. Her priorities are above reproach.
MY BROTHER... I love him but I can't give him anything he wants because, honestly, I can't afford the New York Islanders and to the best of my knowledge the Maker's Mark distillery is not for sale. But, within reason, what he wants, he gets. Again, he is the product of my mother and my father -- a nice home, maybe two; a nice car, maybe two; a few more dogs; a lot more bourbon; no debt and the freedom to travel and see the world.
And as for the rest of the list... it varies.
I have some family members who have fell on hard times -- prescription donut holes will be filled, college loans paid, weddings will be thrown, and more time spent together will be a priority.
For my dearest friends, those who have been renting and saving money to buy their own home, you will have a house of your own. And car leases will cease; you'll have new cars. And your debts erased.
For my dearest friends, those ending a marriage and unloading a home, I say let the money pit go. I got your back on this one. And junk your car that is on its last wheels... you'll have a new, safe, reliable one. And you focus on your kids; I've got the tab.
For my dearest friends, those of whom are happily in their homes, your mortgages will be paid off. And your debts will be paid of. And if your cars need replacing, I'm just the woman to do it.
Also, I'll ignore your wife and buy you the boat you always wanted.
For my dear friend, I'll pay for the fancy new car you have your eye on and because money is no object, you'll get the automatic (so I can borrow it when I visit -- I don't drive stick.) Oh, you want a new home with a gourmet chef's kitchen. That I can do. You want to open a restaurant? Just let me consult on the menu and the start-up money is yours.
To my friend who is kicking ass in her new business, don't worry about not earning enough -- just work at your craft because you have a vision andtrue talent.
For my most rockin' friend, I know you kick ass at your job but wouldn't it be awesome if the next time the 10 other VPs on the conference call asked YOU to set up the next conference call simply because you're the only one with the vagina, you could tell them exactly what you think of their misogynistic asses, pack up your shelf of awesome, and march out of your office offering little more than the ZZ Top hand gesture? Also, Vegas in April. \m/
Oh, and all of you... your kids? The ones who all grew up calling me Aunt Ilene?
Breathe easy. College is covered.
For my closest single friends... fork over your credit card bills and we'll pay them off. To wipe everyone's financial slate clean... that's the best gift I can give anyone. Everyone deserves a new start for a new year.
And as for me? My credit card debt would be paid off.
And you'd think I could finally get myself a freakin' iPad.
Maybe replace the sterling silver mesh Tiffany & Co ring I lost in the Hamptons a few years back.
And treat myself to the classic Louis Vuitton barrel bag it took me 41 years to finally appreciate.
I want my home to be a sanctuary for me and a gathering spot for friends and family, full of noise and laughter.
Oh, and I want a convertible for sure.
Do I want a pied a terre in Manhattan? A vacation home in one of my happy places? Sedona? The Adirondacks? Or just the ability to go to those happy places whenever I wanted and treat whomever I choose to bring along on the vacation...
Face it: staying at a Four Seasons trumps the Best Western. It's science. I'm a Best Western girl but come ON. (We did the math, in one year I lived at The Beverly Hills Four Seasons for six weeks. That did not suck.)
What else didn't suck? Traveling by private plane. It is divine. You can drink. You can smoke. You can play tackle football. You and your companion can totally kill off a fresh platter of sushi for ten en route to LA. You can watch the movies of your choice, listen to the music as loud as you want, sit in the jump seat by the pilots during take-off and landing, ask the flight attendant for virtually anything you like... and never, ever, ever have your luggage lost. Who doesn't want to don a red ballgown and jet up to San Francisco for opening night of the opera... But it's a lot of money; and I might be spoiled but I'm not stupid. I'm thinking First Class commercial flights will suffice (especially when they offer a Make-Your-Own-Sundae cart - thank you, American Airlines!)
Where would I jet off to? I want to see Alaska. And go on safari in South Africa or Kenya or Tanzania. I would love to go back and spend another three weeks exploring Israel, this time as an adult (I went there a pubescent mess in 1984.) I've never been to Rome or Venice or Florence or Milan. I want to return to Paris. Bring my best friend to England to fulfill her lifelong dream. And see Spain for the first time. And New Orleans. And Banff. I want to spent time down near Los Cabos on the Sea of Cortez.And escape to St. John to do nothing... I'd love to spend a month in Australia and New Zealand. And maybe drive cross-country and visit more National Parks and historical sites and monuments... And let it be known, I have every intention of being perpetually tan and zero intention of traveling alone all of the time... you best expect for you and you family to be invited along on these adventures because if you don't share them with those who matter to you... it's like you didn't have them at all.
Money can't buy you pedigree. It won't buy you class. It won't buy you intelligence. It can't buy you happiness. And as John, Paul, George & Ringo noted, it can't buy you love. All money can offer you is freedom -- the ability to unshackle yourself from the chains of debt, the opportunity and time to pursue that which interests you and the ability to help others around you. I've been around a lot of money (no, I mean an ungodly amount of wealth) and the truth is, it doesn't impress me. I've seen what money has done to some people and sometimes it's not pretty. If what interests you is showy bling and ostentatious homes and tricked out cars and hoping to get your C-list ass into whatever Hamptons BBQ the Housewives of New York are trolling through drunk on bad Pinot Grigio, then wait for your episode of MTV Cribs to be filmed because you won't be getting an invite to hang out with me anytime soon.
If you truly appreciate your wealth and use it to help others, and what interests you is time spent traveling and exploring the world, and time spent with family and friends, you just might make the list. You might even get to stay in a guest house.
Still, all of this is a fantasy... a good exercise to see what's really of value to you. But in the end, it's just a daydream. So, good luck tonight. You're gonna need it.
P.S. Seriously. I don't have an iPad?
**Except SPOD because they creep her the f*#k out.
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