ONLINE LA VIDA LOCA

A quick question: What hell is wrong with people? They get around a computer keyboard, find a high-speed internet connection and come down with a crippling case of the stupids.

I loves me my Google. I can navigate around the internet on a Nancy Drew Meets NSA quest for information like no one else. But when we leave the realm of fact and enter the land of opinion via way of blogs and message boards and fan forums well... hold me. I'm scared.

Is it the anonymity? Is it the idea that if people type a string of words together they'll appear funnier, wittier, better-informed, or superior to other people somehow? The internet is the great equalizer. It gives everyone a forum to express their opinions. And while everyone's entitled to have an opinion, it's my strongly held belief that not every opinion deserves to be heard. (Even mine; which is why you're free to stop reading this blogpost whenever you like.)


Beyond providing a forum for sharing opinions, the internet also allows us to find 'communities' to 'belong' to, virtual neighborhoods filled with strangers who, at least on screen, share our interests, values, morals, priorities, experiences, recipes, advice, favorite band members and affinity for the 80's sitcom Gimme A Break. Quite honestly, I've had so many negative experiences with online 'communities' I'm 58% sure I'd have carpetbombed them if they had been real world locales one could easily locate via MapQuest.

My first experience with the online 'community' began in 1997 when charged to keep an eye on the AOL Chat Boards (remember those? remember AOL?) dedicated to my former employer and frequented by his fan base. I tried to participate, somewhat anonymously, but not anonymously enough. Suggestions that perhaps loitering around said boss's shrubbery was not the best way to express devotion was met with scorn, ridicule and notions that as diehard fans, they'd been around longer and knew best what made the artist happy. Anyhoo...
Fast forward: Eight years later, spending almost no time amidst the online community, I learned I was being trashed personally, by name, in chat rooms and message forums populated by perpetually misinformed avatars who didn't know me. So, you know, I've been burned.

Quite frankly, I don't understand it at all. I suppose my obsession with bands and musicians in high school would have taken this form had I been growing up in the online era but there was something elusive and mythical about rock stars back when I was coming of age in the 1980s. You heard about new music from your local DJ (Hello? Carol fucking Miller? Even cranky old Scott Muni?) and learned of tours coming to town via the radio as well. But now? There are zillions of websites and online forums and message boards devoted to a zillion different specific fixations, some official, some unofficial, some heavily edited and monitored, others free-for-all cesspools. There is simply no mystery to anything anymore.

Growing up, you learned a band was coming to town maybe 2 months before the show date. We stood online outside Nassau Coliseum to get a wristband so we could be online the next morning when tickets went on sale at the box office or we stood outside a store with a TicketMaster outlet. Your biggest worries were: 1) you didn't have to cut school in order to buy tickets; 2) tickets wouldn't sell out before you got yours because the guy who owned the TicketMaster outlet didn't pull the best seats aside for his buddies or scalpers; 3) what you were going to wear to the concert; and 4) remember to buy a 3-pack of Bic lighters. You got your ticket and you put it in a safe place or stuck it on your wall and stared at it, willing the show date to hurry up and get here. You listened to your albums (those are the big, round, flat, vinyl things with pretty cardboard sleeves, currently collecting dust...) over and over in anticipation. You closed your eyes and imagined what the concert would be like...


When the day of the show finally arrived you could barely contain your excitement. You paid virtually no attention to anything happening in Social Studies or Biology or Spanish class. You watched the classroom clock like a death row inmate... tick faster, goddamnit! By the time you arrived at the venue you were on the verge of losing your freaking mind. Then suddenly the lights went out and the band took the stage and the music blared and you sang every word. You screamed each time a new song began, surprised by every twist and turn of the set list, never knowing what to expect and reveling in every bit of on-stage banter, every move, every guitar solo. And then, two hours later, it was over -- the road crew was loading out, the band was rushing off to the next town and you were exhausted, spent, sweaty, suffering from concert-induced laryngitis and coming down from the incredible high.

The following day, you'd wear your concert t-shirt (official, never the parking lot bootlegged "$10, $10, you wash 'em, you lose 'em!" varietal) to school and relived the mind-blowing concert experience with your friends who had also attended or shared in detail all the minutiae with classmates who'd missed out. You were sleepy in Chemistry, your voice squeaked each time you spoke and your mind wandered while drawing the band's logo on your desk. It was all magical and you were already jonesing for your next live rock 'n' roll fix. So, you tuned in to your local radio station and longingly waiting for news of the next big concert tour to hit town or (gasp! the sheer overwhelming joy of it all) the full summer line-up of concerts at Jones Beach.

Sounds quaint, no?

These days, it's vastly different. Take any big artist - independent, massively successful, critics' darlings or fan favorites. Tours are announced by press releases, which you can read online at the artists' website or via any Google news search. Artists' official websites list all the dates and you can click on a link to buy tickets online (Let's not even get started on the obscene prices for concert tickets these days -- let's just say my first concert ever, Loverboy with Zebra, cost me $10.35 because WAPP 103.5 was the official concert station. Last summer, one bottled beer at Jones Beach cost $9.00 and that's only if you pay extra to get into the VIP area that allows you the privilege to spend $11.00 on a Blue Moon draught. The orange slice, however, is complimentary.)

The artists post photos online and keep fans updated on the comings and goings and backstage happenings all via the official website. They use Twitter and Facebook and live webcasts and chats. And then there are the message boards, open forums where fans can communicate, discuss and argue, demonize and canonize all things band related. And while all the advances in technology have their upside, there's just no mystery anymore. The magic has been sacrificed for the marketing. Plus, fans twitter play-by-plays from every show. They sit around online, reloading the sites as fans at the shows are typing in updated set lists song-by-song until, by the first encore, armchair quarterback fans are crunching numbers and complaining or rejoicing over the song order, or the lack of change-ups in an artists' set lists or (my favorite) passing judgment on the passion and energy devoted into any given show (because shaky YouTube postings off an iPhone are accurate representations of being in a crowd during a live show?)

The complaining and whining and negativity is overwhelming and some artists' most devoted 'fans' are well-known for being the bastard offspring of Negative Ned and Debbie Downer but, of course, for every batch of fans devoted to the cranky nitpicking and criticism of an artist, on the far other end of the spectrum exist the doe-eyed, enamored fans who can find no fault with the artist and swear the guitar player's farts smell like fresh baked cookies & cinnamon. The end result is the same: pursuing your fandom in the virtual world provides too much information in advance, too much dissection of the event at hand (whether you actually attend in person or not) and a complete disassociation from what the live concert experience is in the first place. Too much access.

Now I use music as an example because, for better or worse, that's the world in which I've made a so-called living these past 15 years and it's a world I know as a fan and as a professional. But it's the same all over...

I don't understand the bizarre subculture of obsessed sports fans who will call in to a talk radio show devoted to nothing but sports and pontificate about batting averages and suggested trades and try to philosophize about the inner turmoil and psychological hurdles the Mets bullpin need to overcome. (Candlesticks always make a nice gift.) Those who can, do. Those who can't, are holding on Line 2? It's a game. I understand the devotion to a team (and yes, the Mets break my heart, routinely) but the number of radio programs and websites devoted to commiserating and complaining and spewing "I know better than the professionals" input as to how to run an organization or strategize a nickel defense or best draft college players is flat out delusional (and pretty abusive sometimes.) What is this sense of entitlement and all-knowing confidence that fandom instills in some?

How about entire websites devoted to pregnancy where women document every nuance of their nine months in detail? No topic too personal, no photo too revealing (Merry Christmas, Mom -- for you, a framed photo of four pee-stained pregnancy test sticks.) Theoretically, it's a community of women sharing a life-altering experience, offering a helpful forum where you can discuss questions and concerns. The reality? An online sorority house full of self-obsessed girls who don't realize they're self-absorbed because they've discovered a whole website full of equally self-absorbed women pregnant with the second coming. I know "It Takes A Village" but honestly, given some of the message topics and banter these sites, I seriously question whether some of these women should be permitted to procreate at all.

Message boards, where anyone can begin a topic and contribute to a thread, is a welcome mat for the crazies. I know most people are somewhere in the middle but like any other landscape, there be loons along the perimeters. Some people are unbelievably abusive and vile given the anonymity and safety behind a computer screen and username, posting personal attacks and offensive comments. Just as bizarre to me are people asking for online prayers and others offering overwrought concern, messages of love, and empty platitudes of encouragement to total strangers on the GoogleNet; it's this group that definitely overlaps the prime Precious Moments figurine-buying demographic.

Anyone can have a blog these days (Exhibit A: ME.)
And everyone has hobbies and interests; we all visit websites and forums now and then. But there lurks the precipice and the great abyss of 'whoa -- get a grip.' The internet is making some obsessive types unaware their obsessive behavior is bordering on odd because once you locate a community populated by people just as obsessive as you, it no longer occurs to you that you might be a bit too fixated on U2 or Rachael Ray or your newborn or knitting or all-things-Disney or Star Trek or The West Wing or the Red Sox or ferrets. (Trust me on the ferrets folks -- fuh-reak show.) So, Mazel Tov! You've merely found a community of like-minded nutbars and now you are one of many... these are your people. You are home.

True confession #1:
I've totally used some of these websites and tossed them aside. Don't think for a minute if I didn't want the most detailed and accurate information about restaurants and birthday celebrations inside Walt Disney World that I wouldn't lurk on two major Disney-obsessed message boards, learning their secrets, stealing their advice on character meals best for a 5-year old and which parks were least crowded during which times of day. Yeah, I was an opportunistic bitch and I used DisneyNuts to my advantage. And I'd do it again. But honestly, as insightful as some of the nuggets of knowledge I lifted were, a lot of what was posted freaked me the hell out. Because, I'm sorry -- there is a whole underbelly (and a HUGE one at that) obsessed with nothing but food in the Magic Kingdom and surrounding Disney properties. OK, be a foodie -- I love Food Network, I love trying local restaurants, I'm all about a great meal -- but honestly, you're going to protest because WDW changed the buns at the hot dog shop on Main Street? and the chicken fingers are gone? Really? I can appreciate your devotion to the Cult of Walt but I assure you, as wonderful as the EPCOT World Showcase is, actually going to France and England and Italy is a zillion times better (and quite possibly cheaper.) I beg of you: invest in a passport and travel beyond Orlando!

True confession #2:
I've dabbled, as myself, on a website forum or two. I'm a devoted fan of Jen Lancaster and her memoirs so I've visited her blog (www.jennsylvania.com) and interacted a time or two. But it's not something I do regularly of feel compelled to participate in often. Although, if I hadn't been a part of a massive thread detailing the best cupcakes in the country, I wouldn't have seen her challenge to bring "cupcakes, bitches" to her book signing. Thus, I'd never have brought her cupcakes (twice) or been mentioned in one of her books as someone who brought cupcakes. So we're good. I'll read her blog every time she puts a post up and I'll read her books and go to her signings (when healthy, with cupcakes in tow) but I ain't gonna sit around online and chat all day. I have things to do. (Not sure what they are... but I'm sure I have things to do. Apparently, "Ilene's Very Busy.")

I've also frequented the Huffington Post but I needed to back away. For starters, my blood pressure is high and participating in this type of online interaction ain't helping. Trying to offer a reasoned, measured, informed, honest opinion in well-written, coherent, respectful wording is not an appreciated form of communication these days. Hot-tempered, knee-jerk, hate-mongering, violent, talking-points-infused diatribes and personal insults, taunts and abusive language seem to be more the norm, regardless of how you align yourself politically. No wonder nothing gets done in Washington. Claim all you want that the system is broken but the bottom line is the people elected by the people to govern in DC really ARE representatives of this nation. Reading the comments left on the Huffington Post site ain't so different from taking a glance at the comments submitted by the subhumans on Perez Hilton's scum site: not only will it sear off your retinas, it will make you weep for the future of our nation.

So, you'd think Facebook might be the anecdote to a highly-charged, political aggregator news site, right? Um, wrong. On any given day I either love Facebook or hate Facebook. On occasion, I have needed to take a "FaceBreak" but on the whole, I land in the 'thumps up' camp.

On the days I love Facebook its because I realize its popularity exploded in the summer of 2008 right around the time of my 20th high school reunion and though I opted not to pay for an overpriced, bad Bar Mitzvah of an evening in the bland ballroom at a Long Island chain hotel, my graduating class fully embraced Facebook. I've reconnected with a slew of friends from my childhood and teenage years, at a pace I enjoy and in a way that suits everyone's different lifestyles and schedules. Plus, I have friends all over the country (world even) and Facebook works as a GPS -- I know where they are, I know they are well, all is good. I share photos, post regular status updates and interact with lots of people so, I admit it: I am a fan of Facebook. I'm not ashamed of it. Mock me as you will. But I "get" Facebook. On the days I hate Facebook, it's usually because I come to realize too many people don't know how to 'use' Facebook.

Who you are in real life is who you are on Facebook, to a degree. You shouldn't use Facebook to broadcast every detail of your personal life (really, people: too much information, too often. some people have real issues with appropriate amounts of disclosure.) There are some things too personal to share. There are somethings you just need to, as a rule, take off-line. So, Facebook is the real you, diluted. It's a percentage of the real you that you choose to put out there -- sorta like how you decorated your locker in high school. It's not the whole you, but some pretty big clues you want people to see.

My theory is that Facebook is a giant magnifying lense. If you're socially retarded in real life, you're going to be socially retarded on Facebook. If you can't find a way to express your political beliefs without attacking and personally insulting 'friends' who might believe differently, you need to work on your people skills online and off. I can mock Sean Hannity. I can hate Sarah Palin. I can be in a perpetual state of disbelief that more people don't but I can't take to Facebook to declare everyone who watches Fox News an idiot or everyone who voted for conservative candidates to be sexist, racist, homophobic land-rapers. Why? Because, um A) they're not! and B) though I inherently assume my friends are liberal Democrats much the same way I presume they inhale oxygen and walk upright, it's simply not the case. My goal is not to insult and belittle people in order to get my point across (although a well-posted, vague passive aggressive status update is not beneath me - what can I say, I'm only human and occasionally catty.) Also, it was quite a revelation to wake up the morning after the Health Care reform passed to learn I was unAmerican, unpatriotic, a fascist, a Nazi, a socialist and an idiot.

And it didn't bother me so much that these 'friends' chose to express their frustration and anger and opposition to the bill online, but in a way that insulted and dismissed everyone who didn't see the world exactly as they did, as if they smugly cornered the market on truth. If this is how you interact online, how do they behave in real social settings, when face-to-face with someone who doesn't see things the same way? (Also, what kind of douchebag sees someone's status update, notices all the responding comments are of like minded people, yet intentionally posts something offensive and obnoxious? A shit-stirrer. A stirrer of shit. Honestly, who does that?)

Also, don't "dare" or "challenge" me on Facebook. I'm not going to cut & paste a status update because you taunted me that "most people won't - will you?" Um, no, I won't. Why you ask? Because, for one, I'm not a braindead sheep. And 2) Shut up. I'm not going to be bullied into this nonsense (unless its Betty White or bra related) so go ahead and presume I hate children and support the clubbing of baby seals but you can't have my status update. (Also, I really don't give a shit about your Farmville, Mafia Wars, Happy Aquarium or Cafe World. I swear to God, I will defriend your your ass so fast...)

For the most part, I've *tried* to limit political content in my status updates and postings (I'm not sure of my success/attempt ratio but I'm working on it.) Not because I don't have my beliefs. And not because I don't think FoxNews, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Elizabeth Hasselbeeck, Michele Bachman, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Karl Rove, Pat Buchanan and Rupert Murdoch aren't all the flying monkey minions of Satan himself... but if I can't be funny about it and I can't do it in a way that doesn't personally attack friends who DO like these people and their POVs (no matter how much my brain hurts trying to understand it) then it doesn't belong on Facebook. Call me civil but I don't think the best way to get along with all sorts of people is to publicly insult their intelligence and question their patriotism (which is then my inate response to anyone who does that to me. Ironic, no?) It would be nice if others felt the same but that might be asking too much.

Now I know someone is going to be offended by this blogpost. In fact, I'm sure of it. But that's not my point. My point is "all things in moderation, please."

The world is a big, cold, lonely place. And it's nice to find people to share our life and our time with, even if only online, especially when they reaffirm the way we look at the world and what we find important (and have the same warped sense of humor.) But in order to be a fully-formed, well-functioning member of society, we need to take these relationships off the laptop and into the living room. And we're going to have to accept that very few things in life are ever black or white issues. Life mostly is lived in a big spectrum of shades of gray and no one can claim sole possession of 'the truth.' Especially not if you spend the rest of your time online watering your crops on Farmville.

The only truth is that REAL LIFE happens OFF Facebook.
Don't substitute the virtual world for the real one.
Because if everyone is so busy online who is out living life?

"I'm a fan. I'm a sports fan. I'm a music fan. And I'm a Star Trek fan.
All of them. But here's what I don't do: Let's list our ten favorite episodes.
Let's list our least favorite episodes. Let's list our favorite galaxies.
Let's make a chart to see how often our favorite galaxies appear in our favorite episodes.
What Romulan would you most like to see coupled with a Cardassian and why?
Let's spend a weekend talking about Romulans falling in love with Cardassians and then let's do it again.
That's not being a fan. That's having a fetish.
And I don't have a problem with that except that you can't bring your hobbies into work, okay?
Except on Star Trek holidays."